Empty

My life is a mess. As I sit at the computer while my baby is sleeping, there are dirty dishes piled high in the sink, a light bulb that needs to be changed in our bathroom, cloth diapers that need to be washed so our son can make it through tomorrow with something to wear on his bottom, and I just noticed peanut butter on the handle of our desk drawer... not to mention the paper that is not writing itself for my thesis and the data that needs to be analyzed for class, and is that really a dead fly on the floor by my foot?? But I'm tired. Last week I was stressed out to the max, and my husband has been busy with different things all weekend. So I thought this weekend I'd be forced to relax since I'm "stuck" at home with the boy, but I'm now nearing the end of the weekend and I'm exhausted...AND what's worse, I feel like my exhaustion is worthless because it has no accomplishment to go with it. I did write a paragraph for my paper yesterday, and I did manage to prepare food for my family last night, but it seems not much else has happened in the life of Kati this weekend.

My life is filled with too many tasks and not enough Jesus. It's the sort of life that can really wear a person down by relying on their own strength to get everything done and not ever stopping to get refilled. I feel like this  So, when I came home from church today I thought I'd sit down with some hot chocolate and the Word for a much needed refuel. But my relationship with the Word hasn't been great lately, and to be honest, much of my drive for reading it now stems from the fact that I was volunteered for leading our small group bible study this Tuesday. Well, it's hard to lead a bible study when you're not currently reading the bible that often.  Don't get me wrong, I love Jesus a lot, and I'd say my prayer life has been improving as of late... but when I open the bible to just read and be in His presence, I get bored. Wow! It hurts me to even type that statement, but I think it's true! I feel like I've  been in church all my life, and so at some point I've read all the things in the bible... this feeling is disturbing to me. Why is it that I can listen to a sermon and be moved and convicted to action, but to read the same passage by myself... I get nothing. I know that God is able to speak to me directly through His word. I know that he does not need to go through a pastor in order to speak, but what is wrong with my ears that I cannot hear? God please give me ears to hear! Over the past couple months, you have given me eyes to see the people around me that are hurting, and you've given me such a heart to love them like you do and to serve them. But, God I can't serve if I'm empty. Please, Lord, give me ears to hear. Open my heart and let your Holy Spirit move in me through reading your Word. Give me determination to continue reading until I'm opened.

New Words

Today Joshua started saying "baby"! And he says it just as clearly and you and I do! It's so fun to hear him learn new words. He also started saying "Papa" over the weekend while his Naunie and Papa were visiting. So now he says:
Dog
Dada
Mama (sometimes...and rarely to identify me)
Papa
Cow (Doooo! is what he actually says for cow)
Nana (banana)
Ba (ball)
Da (down)
Ra (red)
and Baby!
He also points to the light and says "Sa".

I love this kid!

Proud Mommy

My husband and I have the scripture 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 in a decorative frame on our wall.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight it evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

This has been on our wall since we were first married, but our sweet baby boy just noticed it the other day. He pointed to it, so I read it to him. As I finished, he clapped his hands in the prayer sign. So, crying of course, we prayed for God to show us how to love as his Word tells us to love. It was one of the most tender, sweet moments in my mommy life. He did the same thing again tonight. I am constantly amazed at how much he seems to understand already at only 15 months old. His sweet little personality is shaping a little more each day, and as it does I think I'm seeing that he will be blessed with a tender spirit. This makes me a proud mommy.

Milestones All Over the Place

My baby said "Noodle" today! Hubby and I were making spaghetti for dinner (with rotini noodles....so according to hubby it is no longer called spaghetti).  And I was letting my son add the noodles to the pot of water before it started heating. He was adding them one at a time of course, and all the while I was talking to him about the Noooooodles. And then he repeated me! It was the most wonderful and exciting moment. He said noodle and it sounded perfect! Hubby also told me he repeated "grapes" today while they were reading a book! ALSO four days ago he picked up a turtle statue and said "URTLE"!  Too bad he only says these words one time and then will not repeat them again no matter how hard you try.

It is amazing to watch him learn new things. His face gets so serious, and he sticks his tongue out as he climbs over new furniture or figures out how to play with a new toy.  It seemed like from age 12 months to 15 months, nothing new happened, and we were impatiently urging him to start walking. Then around 15 months he started climbing on everything, walking and "talking"....all at once! Although not very well yet, he also likes to try holding the spoon to feed himself sometimes now. These are exciting times for sure.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my birthday, and that is very important because birthdays (not just mine, but yours too!) have always been very special days for me! Since my husband grew up not celebrating birthdays quite as eventful as I did, and I am usually the one that plans all the birthday parties around here, he is sweetly learning how to make mine extra special too!

It started a couple days ago when people started wanting to schedule meetings/make plans on this particular day (MY birthday). At that point we didn't have any plans for my exact birthday because we were having friends over the night before with cake and games and good times. So it was only when these meetings, etc. started crowding in on my day that he realized my desire to have him do something extra for my actual birthday too! So he scrambled around through many ideas and then was reminded that I'm a simple lady!

Breakfast in bed with my two favorite guys! I am a happy birthday girl. Then, he stayed home from working out this morning, just so he could go for a walk and play dominoes with us! It doesn't sound like much, but our schedules are busy and sweet time together as a family is sometimes limited. My hubby spoils me. 

As if that wasn't enough, my sweet baby boy spoiled me today too. He stopped letting us rock him to sleep about two and a half weeks ago and has since only needed a kiss and a sippy cup of milk with his blanket in his crib. This has been nice change from rocking him until he fell asleep since he has gotten so heavy, but this mommy's heart often misses cuddle time. Well today he let me rock him to sleep! The feeling of holding him while he sleeps was so precious that I laid on the couch a while and let him sleep on my chest. I simply don't remember the last time I took the time to just sit and hold him while he sleeps. 'Twas a perfect birthday blessing.

big heavy sleeping baby today

tiny sleeping baby 1 year ago

 I am the luckiest mommy alive! I have a doting husband who strives with me daily to make our marriage even better, and an adoring son who fills my days with laughter and play.  Thank you God for such sweet blessings. I am so undeserving.

What is the best part about being a Momma?

I was asked this question by a good friend today, and I honestly was lost for words. Perhaps it’s because it was the first time anyone has asked me that, but honestly I haven’t really thought about it any until now. Too often I find myself thinking about the frustrating parts about being a mom, and I’m quite sure that if she had asked me to tell her the worst parts I would have had a much easier time answering. I of course babbled some things about how wonderful it is when he recognizes my face and smiles and how cool it is to know that we made a little person… that he grew inside of me and now is part me and part my husband, but now I’m thinking, really?! Is that the greatest thing about being a mommy? Is that the best I could come up with?!

My husband has said over and over how much God has been teaching him about His love for us through his becoming a father and loving our son so much. Perhaps that’s the best part about being a father for him, but honestly I think it must be something else for me, but even as I sit here with him cooing beside me, it’s still so hard for me to put my feelings into words.

I think the best part about being a mommy is in the way that he can melt my heart when he holds onto my finger… it’s knowing that sometimes when he is unhappy I am the only one that can calm him down because only his mommy or daddy can hold him the “right” way…it’s the joy that I felt when he smiled for the first time or when he looks at me and moves his mouth with mine as I talk to him… or how he calms down and goes to sleep when I sing to him. It’s the patience I’m learning (among other things) when he has a fussy day (or three days)… It’s looking into his sweet little face and knowing that he’s mine! …That somehow out of all the people in the world, God looked down on my husband and me and decided that we could be responsible for this perfect little boy!

There it is. I think I just found it – the best part about being a mommy is love! It’s like… when I got married I had this whole new love for my husband that I never knew before, and it was so awesome and exciting for us to begin experiencing that love and come to understand it more. It was the greatest thing ever! And now, having a little baby to hold and care for… brings about a whole new kind of love that I’d also never experienced before now. This kind of love fills me up so much inside that I just wanna squeeze him and kiss him all over but still it’s not enough because he is just so darn cute! Most of the time the only way I know to express it is through tears (which have happened a whole lot throughout pregnancy and now). It’s weird… and yet wonderful. And it makes me so happy!

The Waiting Game

It's week 38 and although our birthing class instructor told us to keep our eyes on the due date instead of getting excited that he might come early, I've been reading that I could go any day now! My last doctors appointment showed that I was 1 cm dilated and 40% effaced, but his head was still bobbing. This week we've been walking every day, and I've been feeling more and more uncomfortable downward pressure... our next appointment is this Thursday, and I can't help the wishful thinking that I'll be much further along and we will be seeing Joshua's beautiful little face within days! Our bags are packed, car seat installed in the car, room all set up and cleaned, and now we just sit and wait. The only thing left to do is have my mothers day pedicure and then I will be completely ready to go into labor.

The waiting is very difficult, but I'm feeling pretty well these days. The doctors seem to have finally gotten my heart problems under control - not that they figured out what was causing them other than pregnancy, but they put me on beta blockers to ease the racing heart and sleeping pills to put me out in spite of the feelings of anxiety at night. I take lots of naps during the day because I still don't sleep much at night. I've been having some light contractions off and on, been feeling a bit nauseous again, and I pee fifty times a day. But it all comes with so much excitement because it means we're GETTING CLOSER!! I've been reading a lot to pass the time and Tyler has been planting flowers and cleaning up our house because I seem to have entered the "nesting phase" in the sense that I want everything to be clean and organized, but I still don't have the energy to do any of the actual cleaning... my husband is amazing.

The biggest battle now is not to get bored with this time of pregnancy because I've been at it for so long. It has been a beautiful and most amazing experience, but I have to say that now I'm pretty much over it. I LOVE feeling his movements inside me, and I have loved watching my belly get bigger and bigger, but I often have to remind myself how wonderful this feeling is because I get so caught up in wanting to play with him and hold him in my arms see what it's like to look into his sweet little eyes. I videoed my tummy moving last night because I realized that in a couple weeks I won't get to have this feeling anymore... the precious little thumping of his feet against my ribs or the rolling of his bottom from one side to the other. It's all so beautiful and such a glorious gift from God that I don't want to take any part of it for granted. And I sure don't want to forget any of it either.