My, how the Time has Flown!

Happy Thursday to everyone! I am now 32 weeks pregnant and today am loving every minute of it. I was thinking this morning about how drastically our perspective of time changes as we go through life. Six or Seven months ago, when Tyler and I first found out that I was pregnant, it seemed like the weeks took forever and 9 months was going to be the longest time to wait! But here, as I say that I'm 32 weeks - meaning that I only have about 8 weeks left - it doesn't seem real. In the beginning we would be so excited to look on babycenter.com to see what vegetable or fruit he was like this week, and every week we marveled at the organs that he was growing and senses that he was developing. But now I can't think of him as a fruit or vegetable anymore... he's actually a BABY! He has little hands and feet that remind me of his baby-ness every day. I wake up every morning, and my hands immediately go to my belly as if to say "good morning sweet Joshua." I walk through the house rubbing my tummy and praying that after his delivery I still remember how it felt to be pregnant-the sweet way that my belly grew and grew with each passing week and now has formed into a watermellon-sized bump that gets in the way of normal activities. I am constantly amazed at how many pounds the doctors say that he is and how in the world he can fit inside my little belly with all of the other organs and things that I already had in there. (I'm also amazed when I hear about how he's going to come out of the nice little home he has made for himself in my tummy.... and I still am choosing not to think too much about that moment.) But today I have no complaints - just praises. I stand in awe of the miracles in God's creation, and with my whole heart I humbly thank Him for this blessing of carrying a child...not just any child but the one that He created especially for us, so that we can love him so much and teach him how to love the Lord. Ah... such a sweet and blissful day.

week 31

We are now fully into week 31 and starting to count down the weeks until Joshua is supposed to come! I have nine weeks left, and I can't decide if I'm ready or not. There are definitely days that are really very good and I love having Joshua in my belly and just wish that he could stay there forever, but there are also days (like this morning) that I wake up and realize that none of my clothes look cute anymore and I don't have the energy to shave my legs or pluck my eyebrows or even fix my hair! It is on those mornings that it is only because of the wonderful and amazing husband that God gave me that I can put on some clothes, straighten my hair, and go to church with a real smile on my face. Because Tyler always looks at me in those moments with eyes that I know will always be for me. When he looks at me and walks over to hug me, his eyes and smile say "baby, you have never looked more beautiful!" Now that is a love that I know comes from Christ. :) And I am oh so very thankful to be married to a man who loves the Lord even more than he loves me.

We had a check-up with the doctor this past week and were told that my belly measurements, weight gain, blood pressure, and hydration all look good. Baby Joshua's heart is still sounding strong, and my heart problems seem to finally be subsiding. They took blood for thyroid tests again and should let me know the results and further medication instructions this week. No new ultrasound pictures this time, but I will definitely have one at the next appointment, which is in two weeks! The doctor told me that I have now entered into the "two week phase" where I will have an appointment every two weeks until 36 weeks and then I will have one every week! And then she said, "at that point we'll start seeing if we can get you into labor!" ...............
This is when Tyler and I just looked at each other and walked out in a bit of silence. uh... what?! labor?! Excuse me, did you just say that we're going to try to get me into labor?! Because, I think I'd be ok if we just let Joshua decide when labor was going to come! We haven't really been talking about the labor part of it, and I'm not really so sure about it because every time I get to that part of the books I'm reading things get scary...and I like to think labor is something way far off into the future that I don't have to worry about right now. In fact, it might be better if it just surprises me when it comes because the picture in my head is not pretty. ....But yes, that's what she said... so now we're starting to think about labor. fun! :)

Lots of exciting things are happening this week actually. Tyler finished painting Joshua's room. It looks awesome! We ordered a changing table, and once it's set up and the room looks somewhat like we want it to, we'll post pictures to fb. We start our childbirth classes at the hospital next weekend. I wasn't sure that they were necessary, but now I'm really happy and excited that we're doing them because neither of us have any idea what's about to happen. It's kind of cool and exciting to be on the brink of something that you just know is going to be the most amazing and rewarding experience but also have no idea what it's going to be like at the same time. The anticipation is great, but the joy that we are also experiencing now as we grow together and in the Lord in preparation to be parents is so wonderful. It's hard to wait, but I think I am learning to be happy and thankful for the moment - to know that there is something that I can do while I wait on the blessings that God has promised... and that is to just "be wheat" like my husband says. Just be the wheat among the weeds-the holy, called out ones-and continue to pray and study His word so I can learn to love the Lord with every fiber of my being. Because the closer that we are to Him the more His love will spill out of us onto all of the weeds...and maybe also onto other wheat that is wilting and just needs encouragement. And just maybe that's even what the waiting part is for...

A Revelation

So it's after midnight, and I have a baby shower early in the morning, but of course I can't sleep...my mind is racing. There are so many things to think about, so many last minute details we haven't even begun to prepare for Joshua's arrival... and of course I do still have tons of other things going on in my life to think about like the book I'm reading, work, classes, presentations, papers, finding a church, Tyler's job, missing friends, making friends... the list goes on. And I don't think there is any particular thing bothering my mind tonight, so it's weird that I can't sleep. But I figured it would be the perfect time to blog... figure out what's going on in my mind right now.

Last night I was lying in bed with my husband, mind wandering as always when I'm trying to fall asleep, and I realized that I am now 30 weeks pregnant, which means that I will probably have a baby in TEN WEEKS... but it could happen even sooner than that! And then the freaking out began. Because of course I have no idea what it's going to be like and that's really scary. There is a huge part of me that can't wait until that first moment when I look into the eyes of our precious son and realize that he's mine... realize the opportunities that are born with this little child and begin to only shallowly understand the blessing that God will have given us in such a beautiful new...tiny... creation. But then I'm also very afraid when I realize that I will have no idea what I'm doing. I see friends with their babies and I try to imagine myself taking care of ours, and it's weird. It doesn't feel real, doesn't feel like that part can actually happen. Of course Tyler and I have talked about important decisions we want to make as parents and what sort of lifestyle we want to instill in our son, but I can't see it. And I don't feel like I can plan for it - perhaps that's why it's so scary. Because no matter how ready the room is for him, and no matter how many things we have bought that we think he will need... the day will come when the nurses place this little bundle into my arms and send us home! All by ourselves! And I'm sure we will have family and friends around at first, but then they too will all leave. And there we will be... just the two of us (and kitty)... left to figure out how to take care of a very tiny, very fragile newborn. wow...fun! And I think the thing that I haven't come to terms with (but I need to) is that we will mess up. We will have funny stories to tell about the adjustment into parenthood that will make my family roll their eyes and say "aww, Kate, did you really?!" And I think that's ok. There is a great peace that comes from knowing and loving such a mighty God, and it truly does surpass all understanding. Because even as I sit here in the dark, watching all my fears come to life on the computer screen, I am amazed that they are all so very tiny to God. He can, and deeply desires to, hold them in his hand so that I can instead have this peace - peace in knowing that there is nothing my heavenly Father can't handle... peace in knowing that this child He is growing inside my belly belongs to him, and He loves Joshua more that I can even comprehend. So I guess, what I'm saying is that it won't matter if his bath water is a little too hot or he cries for a little too long in the middle of the night... or even if he doesn't have any clothes that fit and runs around our house in only a diaper (even though I am very sure that won't happen with the way his grandmas are already buying clothes)! These things won't matter because God already has a plan for his life. And it is bigger than anything that either one of his silly parents could screw up.

"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart..." - Jeremiah 29:11-13.