A Revelation

So it's after midnight, and I have a baby shower early in the morning, but of course I can't sleep...my mind is racing. There are so many things to think about, so many last minute details we haven't even begun to prepare for Joshua's arrival... and of course I do still have tons of other things going on in my life to think about like the book I'm reading, work, classes, presentations, papers, finding a church, Tyler's job, missing friends, making friends... the list goes on. And I don't think there is any particular thing bothering my mind tonight, so it's weird that I can't sleep. But I figured it would be the perfect time to blog... figure out what's going on in my mind right now.

Last night I was lying in bed with my husband, mind wandering as always when I'm trying to fall asleep, and I realized that I am now 30 weeks pregnant, which means that I will probably have a baby in TEN WEEKS... but it could happen even sooner than that! And then the freaking out began. Because of course I have no idea what it's going to be like and that's really scary. There is a huge part of me that can't wait until that first moment when I look into the eyes of our precious son and realize that he's mine... realize the opportunities that are born with this little child and begin to only shallowly understand the blessing that God will have given us in such a beautiful new...tiny... creation. But then I'm also very afraid when I realize that I will have no idea what I'm doing. I see friends with their babies and I try to imagine myself taking care of ours, and it's weird. It doesn't feel real, doesn't feel like that part can actually happen. Of course Tyler and I have talked about important decisions we want to make as parents and what sort of lifestyle we want to instill in our son, but I can't see it. And I don't feel like I can plan for it - perhaps that's why it's so scary. Because no matter how ready the room is for him, and no matter how many things we have bought that we think he will need... the day will come when the nurses place this little bundle into my arms and send us home! All by ourselves! And I'm sure we will have family and friends around at first, but then they too will all leave. And there we will be... just the two of us (and kitty)... left to figure out how to take care of a very tiny, very fragile newborn. wow...fun! And I think the thing that I haven't come to terms with (but I need to) is that we will mess up. We will have funny stories to tell about the adjustment into parenthood that will make my family roll their eyes and say "aww, Kate, did you really?!" And I think that's ok. There is a great peace that comes from knowing and loving such a mighty God, and it truly does surpass all understanding. Because even as I sit here in the dark, watching all my fears come to life on the computer screen, I am amazed that they are all so very tiny to God. He can, and deeply desires to, hold them in his hand so that I can instead have this peace - peace in knowing that there is nothing my heavenly Father can't handle... peace in knowing that this child He is growing inside my belly belongs to him, and He loves Joshua more that I can even comprehend. So I guess, what I'm saying is that it won't matter if his bath water is a little too hot or he cries for a little too long in the middle of the night... or even if he doesn't have any clothes that fit and runs around our house in only a diaper (even though I am very sure that won't happen with the way his grandmas are already buying clothes)! These things won't matter because God already has a plan for his life. And it is bigger than anything that either one of his silly parents could screw up.

"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart..." - Jeremiah 29:11-13.