What is the best part about being a Momma?

I was asked this question by a good friend today, and I honestly was lost for words. Perhaps it’s because it was the first time anyone has asked me that, but honestly I haven’t really thought about it any until now. Too often I find myself thinking about the frustrating parts about being a mom, and I’m quite sure that if she had asked me to tell her the worst parts I would have had a much easier time answering. I of course babbled some things about how wonderful it is when he recognizes my face and smiles and how cool it is to know that we made a little person… that he grew inside of me and now is part me and part my husband, but now I’m thinking, really?! Is that the greatest thing about being a mommy? Is that the best I could come up with?!

My husband has said over and over how much God has been teaching him about His love for us through his becoming a father and loving our son so much. Perhaps that’s the best part about being a father for him, but honestly I think it must be something else for me, but even as I sit here with him cooing beside me, it’s still so hard for me to put my feelings into words.

I think the best part about being a mommy is in the way that he can melt my heart when he holds onto my finger… it’s knowing that sometimes when he is unhappy I am the only one that can calm him down because only his mommy or daddy can hold him the “right” way…it’s the joy that I felt when he smiled for the first time or when he looks at me and moves his mouth with mine as I talk to him… or how he calms down and goes to sleep when I sing to him. It’s the patience I’m learning (among other things) when he has a fussy day (or three days)… It’s looking into his sweet little face and knowing that he’s mine! …That somehow out of all the people in the world, God looked down on my husband and me and decided that we could be responsible for this perfect little boy!

There it is. I think I just found it – the best part about being a mommy is love! It’s like… when I got married I had this whole new love for my husband that I never knew before, and it was so awesome and exciting for us to begin experiencing that love and come to understand it more. It was the greatest thing ever! And now, having a little baby to hold and care for… brings about a whole new kind of love that I’d also never experienced before now. This kind of love fills me up so much inside that I just wanna squeeze him and kiss him all over but still it’s not enough because he is just so darn cute! Most of the time the only way I know to express it is through tears (which have happened a whole lot throughout pregnancy and now). It’s weird… and yet wonderful. And it makes me so happy!

The Waiting Game

It's week 38 and although our birthing class instructor told us to keep our eyes on the due date instead of getting excited that he might come early, I've been reading that I could go any day now! My last doctors appointment showed that I was 1 cm dilated and 40% effaced, but his head was still bobbing. This week we've been walking every day, and I've been feeling more and more uncomfortable downward pressure... our next appointment is this Thursday, and I can't help the wishful thinking that I'll be much further along and we will be seeing Joshua's beautiful little face within days! Our bags are packed, car seat installed in the car, room all set up and cleaned, and now we just sit and wait. The only thing left to do is have my mothers day pedicure and then I will be completely ready to go into labor.

The waiting is very difficult, but I'm feeling pretty well these days. The doctors seem to have finally gotten my heart problems under control - not that they figured out what was causing them other than pregnancy, but they put me on beta blockers to ease the racing heart and sleeping pills to put me out in spite of the feelings of anxiety at night. I take lots of naps during the day because I still don't sleep much at night. I've been having some light contractions off and on, been feeling a bit nauseous again, and I pee fifty times a day. But it all comes with so much excitement because it means we're GETTING CLOSER!! I've been reading a lot to pass the time and Tyler has been planting flowers and cleaning up our house because I seem to have entered the "nesting phase" in the sense that I want everything to be clean and organized, but I still don't have the energy to do any of the actual cleaning... my husband is amazing.

The biggest battle now is not to get bored with this time of pregnancy because I've been at it for so long. It has been a beautiful and most amazing experience, but I have to say that now I'm pretty much over it. I LOVE feeling his movements inside me, and I have loved watching my belly get bigger and bigger, but I often have to remind myself how wonderful this feeling is because I get so caught up in wanting to play with him and hold him in my arms see what it's like to look into his sweet little eyes. I videoed my tummy moving last night because I realized that in a couple weeks I won't get to have this feeling anymore... the precious little thumping of his feet against my ribs or the rolling of his bottom from one side to the other. It's all so beautiful and such a glorious gift from God that I don't want to take any part of it for granted. And I sure don't want to forget any of it either.

Don't Look Down!

I'm 35 weeks now, and at our appointment yesterday the doctor told us that I have passed another great milestone:

Once you're 34 weeks, if you start to go into labor at any point they don't worry about the baby's development at all! Meaning... Baby Joshua can come any day and everyone would be only super happy and excited about his arrival - no worries about his lungs (or anything else) necessary... they'd let me continue my labor.

So with that... I kind of feel like I'm sky diving. This is the point where I'm in an airplane, strapped to a parachute guy, and standing at the door of the plane waiting to jump. And at this moment, I'm trying everything to build my confidence that I CAN do this and that I'm NOT going to die in the process! This confidence comes at a mental state that is only possible as long as I do not look down at the ground which is thousands of miles away and scary! :)
The thought of going into labor is exhilarating to say the least. I'm paying more attention to my body these days than I ever have before, thinking "oh my goodness, what was that?! are these contractions?!... my belly feels harder!... honey I think this is it!! ...or wait, maybe it was just gas" :/ Yes, Tyler and I are very excited... as long as we don't look down, don't think about the actual labor part or the responsibility part of having a little tiny baby in our home! It makes you realize how precious life is and gives love a whole new meaning.

Things you can pray for:
While Joshua is doing very well, I've been having heart issues. I have an appointment with a cardiologist on Tuesday because my heart has been racing every day, periodically throughout the day, for the past week. I have actually been dealing with it for the past two months, but it has only gotten worse this past week. While sitting my pulse rate seems to randomly jump up to 140 bpm. My doctors are happy as long as it only gets up to about 100 or 110, but they've been struggling to figure out why it gets up to 140. I'm on beta blockers as of yesterday, and they seem to be helping - although I can still feel it rise, it just doesn't go as high as before. Know that Joshua is fine through my problems. God has had his hand on our little one for sure - he has been perfect at every appointment. But it has just been really difficult for me to function. I'm always tired (more so than normal... like I literally sleep all day when I'm home) and it's difficult to focus in class or in church or even sometimes in conversation.

BUT... I'm on the road to recovery I think. The beta blockers seem to be helping, and hopefully the cardiologist will have some answers for us. Next week we have THREE doctor appointments: one for my heart, one for an ultrasound to look at Joshua's growth and thyroid, and one to test me for strep B... three different doctors! I do feel very well cared for. :)

hangin in there

"Hangin in there" is the best way that I can describe how I'm feeling this week. At approximately 34 weeks, I find that most of the time I am exhausted, moody, emotional, spaced out, and in pain. I miss the days of marveling at my ever growing tummy, and I often try to remind myself how huge of a blessing it is to have such a tiny little miracle growing inside my body. Part of me knows that I will miss being pregnant once Joshua is born, and I try to hold onto that, but most of the time I feel too exhausted to enjoy much of anything. Pregnancy has just kind of become a part of me... just something else that defines my daily life right now. It's very sad for me to hear myself as I type these words because how on earth could I think of this precious gift as a burden?? How can I wake up each morning, touch my belly, and think of anything but how beautiful it is to have another day with Joshua all to myself, healthy and happy as can be? Tyler and I are so incredibly blessed. I cannot even count the number of ways that God has been so very present and evident in our lives throughout our marriage (and of course before as well) - including a wonderful pregnancy with no real serious complications. So then I am faced with the realization that this ending time of pregnancy is just another test of patience for us - a pretty constant theme for our past few months. It is a lesson that is not coming easily learned for me - but a very important lesson indeed! So as the weeks go by and Baby Joshua continues to take his time, I am praying for excitement. I'm praying for energy and the desire to go out and enjoy life instead of sleeping inside all day. I'm praying for contentment and joy in the things that God has me doing right now in life instead of longing for the next season.

My, how the Time has Flown!

Happy Thursday to everyone! I am now 32 weeks pregnant and today am loving every minute of it. I was thinking this morning about how drastically our perspective of time changes as we go through life. Six or Seven months ago, when Tyler and I first found out that I was pregnant, it seemed like the weeks took forever and 9 months was going to be the longest time to wait! But here, as I say that I'm 32 weeks - meaning that I only have about 8 weeks left - it doesn't seem real. In the beginning we would be so excited to look on babycenter.com to see what vegetable or fruit he was like this week, and every week we marveled at the organs that he was growing and senses that he was developing. But now I can't think of him as a fruit or vegetable anymore... he's actually a BABY! He has little hands and feet that remind me of his baby-ness every day. I wake up every morning, and my hands immediately go to my belly as if to say "good morning sweet Joshua." I walk through the house rubbing my tummy and praying that after his delivery I still remember how it felt to be pregnant-the sweet way that my belly grew and grew with each passing week and now has formed into a watermellon-sized bump that gets in the way of normal activities. I am constantly amazed at how many pounds the doctors say that he is and how in the world he can fit inside my little belly with all of the other organs and things that I already had in there. (I'm also amazed when I hear about how he's going to come out of the nice little home he has made for himself in my tummy.... and I still am choosing not to think too much about that moment.) But today I have no complaints - just praises. I stand in awe of the miracles in God's creation, and with my whole heart I humbly thank Him for this blessing of carrying a child...not just any child but the one that He created especially for us, so that we can love him so much and teach him how to love the Lord. Ah... such a sweet and blissful day.

week 31

We are now fully into week 31 and starting to count down the weeks until Joshua is supposed to come! I have nine weeks left, and I can't decide if I'm ready or not. There are definitely days that are really very good and I love having Joshua in my belly and just wish that he could stay there forever, but there are also days (like this morning) that I wake up and realize that none of my clothes look cute anymore and I don't have the energy to shave my legs or pluck my eyebrows or even fix my hair! It is on those mornings that it is only because of the wonderful and amazing husband that God gave me that I can put on some clothes, straighten my hair, and go to church with a real smile on my face. Because Tyler always looks at me in those moments with eyes that I know will always be for me. When he looks at me and walks over to hug me, his eyes and smile say "baby, you have never looked more beautiful!" Now that is a love that I know comes from Christ. :) And I am oh so very thankful to be married to a man who loves the Lord even more than he loves me.

We had a check-up with the doctor this past week and were told that my belly measurements, weight gain, blood pressure, and hydration all look good. Baby Joshua's heart is still sounding strong, and my heart problems seem to finally be subsiding. They took blood for thyroid tests again and should let me know the results and further medication instructions this week. No new ultrasound pictures this time, but I will definitely have one at the next appointment, which is in two weeks! The doctor told me that I have now entered into the "two week phase" where I will have an appointment every two weeks until 36 weeks and then I will have one every week! And then she said, "at that point we'll start seeing if we can get you into labor!" ...............
This is when Tyler and I just looked at each other and walked out in a bit of silence. uh... what?! labor?! Excuse me, did you just say that we're going to try to get me into labor?! Because, I think I'd be ok if we just let Joshua decide when labor was going to come! We haven't really been talking about the labor part of it, and I'm not really so sure about it because every time I get to that part of the books I'm reading things get scary...and I like to think labor is something way far off into the future that I don't have to worry about right now. In fact, it might be better if it just surprises me when it comes because the picture in my head is not pretty. ....But yes, that's what she said... so now we're starting to think about labor. fun! :)

Lots of exciting things are happening this week actually. Tyler finished painting Joshua's room. It looks awesome! We ordered a changing table, and once it's set up and the room looks somewhat like we want it to, we'll post pictures to fb. We start our childbirth classes at the hospital next weekend. I wasn't sure that they were necessary, but now I'm really happy and excited that we're doing them because neither of us have any idea what's about to happen. It's kind of cool and exciting to be on the brink of something that you just know is going to be the most amazing and rewarding experience but also have no idea what it's going to be like at the same time. The anticipation is great, but the joy that we are also experiencing now as we grow together and in the Lord in preparation to be parents is so wonderful. It's hard to wait, but I think I am learning to be happy and thankful for the moment - to know that there is something that I can do while I wait on the blessings that God has promised... and that is to just "be wheat" like my husband says. Just be the wheat among the weeds-the holy, called out ones-and continue to pray and study His word so I can learn to love the Lord with every fiber of my being. Because the closer that we are to Him the more His love will spill out of us onto all of the weeds...and maybe also onto other wheat that is wilting and just needs encouragement. And just maybe that's even what the waiting part is for...

A Revelation

So it's after midnight, and I have a baby shower early in the morning, but of course I can't sleep...my mind is racing. There are so many things to think about, so many last minute details we haven't even begun to prepare for Joshua's arrival... and of course I do still have tons of other things going on in my life to think about like the book I'm reading, work, classes, presentations, papers, finding a church, Tyler's job, missing friends, making friends... the list goes on. And I don't think there is any particular thing bothering my mind tonight, so it's weird that I can't sleep. But I figured it would be the perfect time to blog... figure out what's going on in my mind right now.

Last night I was lying in bed with my husband, mind wandering as always when I'm trying to fall asleep, and I realized that I am now 30 weeks pregnant, which means that I will probably have a baby in TEN WEEKS... but it could happen even sooner than that! And then the freaking out began. Because of course I have no idea what it's going to be like and that's really scary. There is a huge part of me that can't wait until that first moment when I look into the eyes of our precious son and realize that he's mine... realize the opportunities that are born with this little child and begin to only shallowly understand the blessing that God will have given us in such a beautiful new...tiny... creation. But then I'm also very afraid when I realize that I will have no idea what I'm doing. I see friends with their babies and I try to imagine myself taking care of ours, and it's weird. It doesn't feel real, doesn't feel like that part can actually happen. Of course Tyler and I have talked about important decisions we want to make as parents and what sort of lifestyle we want to instill in our son, but I can't see it. And I don't feel like I can plan for it - perhaps that's why it's so scary. Because no matter how ready the room is for him, and no matter how many things we have bought that we think he will need... the day will come when the nurses place this little bundle into my arms and send us home! All by ourselves! And I'm sure we will have family and friends around at first, but then they too will all leave. And there we will be... just the two of us (and kitty)... left to figure out how to take care of a very tiny, very fragile newborn. wow...fun! And I think the thing that I haven't come to terms with (but I need to) is that we will mess up. We will have funny stories to tell about the adjustment into parenthood that will make my family roll their eyes and say "aww, Kate, did you really?!" And I think that's ok. There is a great peace that comes from knowing and loving such a mighty God, and it truly does surpass all understanding. Because even as I sit here in the dark, watching all my fears come to life on the computer screen, I am amazed that they are all so very tiny to God. He can, and deeply desires to, hold them in his hand so that I can instead have this peace - peace in knowing that there is nothing my heavenly Father can't handle... peace in knowing that this child He is growing inside my belly belongs to him, and He loves Joshua more that I can even comprehend. So I guess, what I'm saying is that it won't matter if his bath water is a little too hot or he cries for a little too long in the middle of the night... or even if he doesn't have any clothes that fit and runs around our house in only a diaper (even though I am very sure that won't happen with the way his grandmas are already buying clothes)! These things won't matter because God already has a plan for his life. And it is bigger than anything that either one of his silly parents could screw up.

"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart..." - Jeremiah 29:11-13.

a journey to remember

The other day I was looking at the belly pictures we took of me when we first found out about Joshua.... it was weird. It is hard to remember when my belly was actually that flat. And then I started remembering what I felt during those first weeks/months of pregnancy - scared. I was always counting down the days until my next doctor appointment so they could check the heartbeat or do another ultrasound and prove to me that he's still in there and doing just fine. It's a scary thing to have such a delicate little guy growing inside me; to know that my body is his protection and life source for the time being..... and even more scary to know that now in just three months this little baby that I've gotten used to being on the inside will join us on the OUTSIDE, and we will be responsible for taking care of him! I do not feel ready for this task. And I'm beginning to realize that no matter how many books I read or how many baby classes I take or advise I seek from others, when the day comes that Joshua decides to enter this world and I go into labor, I will forget everything. My husband and I were watching 28 Days with Sandra Bullock recently, and I think it had a good message - When the baseball guy was teaching sandra bullock how to pitch a baseball, he tells her something like this (link to youtube clip here):

"You can't focus on the strike zone because if you start focusing on the strike zone it starts looking about the size of a peanut... you gotta think about the little things, the things you can control...because when you let go of the ball it's over. You don't have any say in what happens down there; that's somebody else's job."

An odd place to gain a quote that is meaningful to my life at the moment, but it has truly helped my perspective. During the late nights when I'm tossing and turning and checking for Joshua's movements and wondering if my body is giving him the right amounts of what he needs... I have to remember this quote and remember the promises that God gives us. I can't worry too much about Joshua's growth or his thyroid levels or even what he's going to be when he grows up because these things I can't control - they are in the strike zone. What I can control are things like the foods that I eat and the things that I tell my doctor.... and the clothes that I wear to make sure that Joshua is a fashionable as possible while inside my body. :) But I have to let God take care of the rest. I have to just trust Him with my baby and his destiny because God has already decided all of that. "For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord..." And also, as Pastor Tim said a couple weeks ago - God's hands are much bigger than my hands, and His blessings are way better. So sleep well little Joshua, for you are resting in the mighty hands of your creator... our father who loves you more than I ever could.

...(and now i'm crying... oh pregnancy hormones!)

Thank you Lord

Well it has definitely been entirely too long since I last posted on this blog, but I just read my husband's newly created blog and it gave me the inspiration to explore a bit of my own thoughts. So I hope you're ready for that....

I will be 27 weeks pregnant this Thursday, which means that I am entering my third trimester - the most exhausting period of my life so far! I haven't been nauseous in quite a while though, which is a great advantage. And my husband has been AMAZING. I am constantly apologizing to him and asking if it's ok that I wake up, go to work, and then come home and do nothing while he makes dinner and cleans and rubs my feet every night! He does these things happily...which absolutely baffles me. I'd like to say I'm exaggerating on this point, but sadly I think I can count the times that I've cooked in the past month on one hand.. :( PRAISE GOD for this wonderful man that I get to call my husband. PRAISE GOD that he loves me with the love of Christ... and not only that but by his devotion also daily pushes me to love Christ more and walk more closely with Him.

Baby Joshua is growing quite nicely, and very sweetly. We have gotten the joy of reading stories to him (mostly Dr. Suess and the bible) and singing to him. I read that his ears are well developed and very sensitive to the noises we make now... so we talk and sing to him every chance we get. It really is the coolest blessing ever to get to carry a child around in my tummy everywhere I go... to know that God created this sweet little boy and given him to us as a gift that we get to be responsible for and watch him grow and learn and love. Our prayers have already started for his salvation and the salvation and love of his future wife - so exciting to see the kind of man that he will grow up to be. Thank you Lord for this privilege! Thank you Lord for this answered prayer! Thank you Lord for allowing me to experience this most precious gift.