Empty

My life is a mess. As I sit at the computer while my baby is sleeping, there are dirty dishes piled high in the sink, a light bulb that needs to be changed in our bathroom, cloth diapers that need to be washed so our son can make it through tomorrow with something to wear on his bottom, and I just noticed peanut butter on the handle of our desk drawer... not to mention the paper that is not writing itself for my thesis and the data that needs to be analyzed for class, and is that really a dead fly on the floor by my foot?? But I'm tired. Last week I was stressed out to the max, and my husband has been busy with different things all weekend. So I thought this weekend I'd be forced to relax since I'm "stuck" at home with the boy, but I'm now nearing the end of the weekend and I'm exhausted...AND what's worse, I feel like my exhaustion is worthless because it has no accomplishment to go with it. I did write a paragraph for my paper yesterday, and I did manage to prepare food for my family last night, but it seems not much else has happened in the life of Kati this weekend.

My life is filled with too many tasks and not enough Jesus. It's the sort of life that can really wear a person down by relying on their own strength to get everything done and not ever stopping to get refilled. I feel like this  So, when I came home from church today I thought I'd sit down with some hot chocolate and the Word for a much needed refuel. But my relationship with the Word hasn't been great lately, and to be honest, much of my drive for reading it now stems from the fact that I was volunteered for leading our small group bible study this Tuesday. Well, it's hard to lead a bible study when you're not currently reading the bible that often.  Don't get me wrong, I love Jesus a lot, and I'd say my prayer life has been improving as of late... but when I open the bible to just read and be in His presence, I get bored. Wow! It hurts me to even type that statement, but I think it's true! I feel like I've  been in church all my life, and so at some point I've read all the things in the bible... this feeling is disturbing to me. Why is it that I can listen to a sermon and be moved and convicted to action, but to read the same passage by myself... I get nothing. I know that God is able to speak to me directly through His word. I know that he does not need to go through a pastor in order to speak, but what is wrong with my ears that I cannot hear? God please give me ears to hear! Over the past couple months, you have given me eyes to see the people around me that are hurting, and you've given me such a heart to love them like you do and to serve them. But, God I can't serve if I'm empty. Please, Lord, give me ears to hear. Open my heart and let your Holy Spirit move in me through reading your Word. Give me determination to continue reading until I'm opened.